// ============================================== // Copyright 2004 by CodeLifter.com // Free for all; but please leave in this header. // ============================================== var Quotation=new Array() // do not change this! // Set up the quotations to be shown, below. // To add more quotations, continue with the // pattern, adding to the array. Remember // to increment the Quotation[x] index! Quotation[0] = "Time is of the essence! Comb your hair."; Quotation[1] = "Sanity is a golden apple with no shoelaces."; Quotation[2] = "Repent! The end is coming, $9.95 at Amazon."; Quotation[3] = "Honesty blurts where deception sneezes."; Quotation[4] = "Pastry satisfies where art is unavailable."; Quotation[5] = "Delete not, lest you, too, be deleted."; Quotation[6] = "O! Youth! What a pain in the backside."; Quotation[7] = "Wishes are like goldfish with propellors."; Quotation[8] = "Love the river's \"beauty\", but live on a hill."; Quotation[9] = "Invention is the mother of too many useless toys."; Quotation[10] = "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."; Quotation[11] = "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."; Quotation[12] = "The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."; Quotation[13] = "There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."; Quotation[14] = "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."; Quotation[15] = "It is impossible to love and be wise."; Quotation[16] = "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it."; Quotation[17] = "Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one."; Quotation[18] = "You call it madness, but I call it love."; Quotation[19] = "Love is being stupid together."; Quotation[20] = "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."; Quotation[21] = "What the world really needs is more love and less paper work."; Quotation[22] = "You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories."; Quotation[23] = "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."; Quotation[24] = "If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"; Quotation[25] = "I think, therefore I'm single"; Quotation[26] = "The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post."; Quotation[27] = "I love making friends.... it's people I can't stand."; Quotation[28] = "My wife and I thought we were in love but it turned out to be benign
(Woody Allen)"; Quotation[29] = "Only time can heal a broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.
(Miss Piggy)"; Quotation[30] = "I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be on a bad marriage.
(Laura Kightlinger)"; Quotation[31] = "Take me or leave me. Or as most people do - both.
(Dorothy Parker)"; Quotation[32] = "I'm single by choice. Not my choice.
(Orny Adams)"; Quotation[33] = "I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.
(Gary Shandling)"; Quotation[34] = "A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
(Jane Austen)"; Quotation[35] = "I'm a one man woman. One man at a time.
(Mae West)"; Quotation[36] = "I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
(Emo Philips)"; Quotation[37] = "I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)"; Quotation[38] = "When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
(Rita Rudner)"; Quotation[39] = "A lot of girls date me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.
(Emo Philips)"; Quotation[40] = "One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat.
(Carrie Bradshaw)"; Quotation[41] = "A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.
(Monica Piper)"; Quotation[42] = "In time, you'll meet someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
(Gomez Addams)"; Quotation[43] = "It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
(Joan Rivers)"; Quotation[44] = "I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76 so it's no distance.
(Bob Monkhouse)"; Quotation[45] = "If it weren't for speed bumps, pickpockets and frisking at airports, I'd have no sex life at all.
(Rodney Dangerfield)"; Quotation[46] = "I'm going to write a sex manual called, 'Ouch! You're on my Hair!'
(Richard Lewis)"; Quotation[47] = "The thing women like most in bed is breakfast.
(Robin Willliams)"; Quotation[48] = "A sexagenarian? At his age? That's disgusting.
(Gracie Allen)"; Quotation[49] = "My mother is sixty, and her whole life she only ever slept with one guy. She won't tell me who.
(Wendy Liebman)"; Quotation[50] = "It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
(Joan Rivers)"; Quotation[51] = "The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.
(Wendy Liebman)"; Quotation[52] = "I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof that I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging, then dinner and a movie.
(Sting)"; Quotation[53] = "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
(Drew Carey)"; Quotation[54] = "People think I hate sex. I don't. I just don't like things that stop you seeing the television properly.
(Victoria Wood)"; Quotation[55] = "The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4am.
(Charles Pierce)"; Quotation[56] = "I once dated a waitress. In the middle of sex she'd say, 'How is everything? Is everything okay over here?'
(David Corrado)"; Quotation[57] = "I'm a great lover. I'll bet.
(Emo Philips)"; Quotation[58] = "Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
(Woody Allen)"; Quotation[59] = "Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
(Homer Simpson)"; Quotation[60] = "I'm not a breast man. I'm a breast person.
(John Wilson)"; Quotation[61] = "So, Debbie McGee, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?
(Mrs Merton)"; Quotation[62] = "If women ran the world, there would not be wars, just intense negotiations every twenty-eight days.
(Robin Willliams)"; Quotation[63] = "I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
(Rita Rudner)"; Quotation[64] = "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
(Nancy Reagan)"; Quotation[65] = "Macho? Moi?
(John Prescott)"; Quotation[66] = "If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
(Ted Turner)"; Quotation[67] = "How do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans. (Woody Allen)"; Quotation[68] = "I don't want to live on in my work. I want to live on in my apartment.
(Woody Allen)"; Quotation[69] = "Immortality is a long shot, but somebody has to be first.
(Whoopi Goldberg)"; Quotation[70] = "I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
(Steven Wright)"; Quotation[71] = "It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
(Brigitte Bardot)"; Quotation[72] = "I'm 65 but if there were 15 months in every year, I'd only be 48.
(James Thurber)"; Quotation[73] = "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
(George Burns)"; Quotation[74] = "I found my first grey hair today. On my chest.
(Wendy Liebman)"; Quotation[75] = "I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.
(Woody Allen)"; Quotation[76] = "I'm too old for a paper round, too young for social security, and too tired for an affair.
(Erma Bombeck)"; Quotation[77] = "If you live to be 90 in England and can still eat a boiled egg, they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.
(Alan Bennett)"; Quotation[78] = "Middle age is when you are sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
(Ogden Nash)"; Quotation[79] = "To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
(Bernard Baruch)"; Quotation[80] = "My sister Jackie is younger than me. We don't know quite by how much.
(Joan Collins)"; // ====================================== // Do not change anything below this line // ====================================== var Q = Quotation.length; var whichQuotation=Math.round(Math.random()*(Q-1)); function showQuotation(){document.write(Quotation[whichQuotation]);}showQuotation();